The Egyptian people have thrown off the yoke of tyranny in a glorious and peaceful revolution. It is not an overstatement to say what happened on 11 February 2011 will be remembered as one of the single most important events of the 21st century. Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak ignored, subverted, or oppressed the will of the Egyptian people for 30 years, and his resignation marks the beginning of a new era for Egypt, the Middle East, and the world.
Still, worldwide media outlets remind us to remember that this event marks the beginning of a potentially turbulent time, even as they share with the world the joy of elated Egyptians celebrating in the aptly named Tahrir (Liberation) Square. From Al-Jazeera to the BBC, experts speak of the difficulties the revolution will face now that the first major hurdle towards self-determination has been cleared. Most of the other reputable news agencies have been just as responsible, carefully putting forth possibilities which the Egyptian movement should be concerned about.
And then there was Fox News.
Fox News is renowned for its “no-holds-barred” journalism, endearing itself to many “salt-of-the-earth,” “no-nonsense” Americans. Where other media outlets tiptoe around touchy subjects, Fox News bashes right in like a drunken slam dancer. It always has the truth “in its sights,” and will not give up until it has its “kill shot.” The revolution in Egypt has been no exception.
A careful artist rendering of a scene from The Glenn Beck Show.
Fox News journalists have been quick and consistent to point out potential dangerous outcomes of the Egyptian revolution. Respected newsmen such as Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity warn that this uprising could “easily” descend down a spiral that ends in an Islamist-inspired republic, perhaps like Iran. Groups like the Muslim Brotherhood may subvert the revolution, much like Khomeini did in 1979 Iran, or at the very least, these groups may abuse a new democracy to gain majority power, much like Hamas did in 2006 Gaza. In fact, the men and women of Fox News have been the only reporters brave enough to point out that the Muslim Brotherhood, by their relatively marginal role in Egypt’s revolution, are “playing it safe” and are most likely behind everything!
We have to respect the audacity of Fox News, having “the guts” to give us such bittersweet medicine. However, I criticize them for not going far enough!
There are other logically valid  concerns that are equally  as concerning as a potential Egyptian Islamic Republic. While we must credit Fox News for “telling it as they see it”—ofttimes going to lengths other news outlets refuse to have the nerve for—even they are unable or unwilling to see the vastness of the dangers that threaten the Egyptian people and the world!
Luckily, I am not as cautious as that bastion of journalistic integrity that is Fox News. I understand they have to maintain a modicum of restraint, even when they are bravely eschewing outdated modes of liberal-biased, restricting standards. However, what good is journalistic restraint when it forces us to avoid the “really tough questions”? Being the mavericks they are, they surely realize we should be equally as worried about certain other eventualities as we should be about the potential of an Islamist takeover in Egypt.
But, even mavericks have to pay the bills.
Fortunately, I am completely self-funded, and do not have to appease readers who may not be comfortable with a full disclosing of the scope of difficulties which we should pay as much attention to as we do to the potential for an Islamic Republic of Egypt.
So, in the spirit of the best Fox News has to offer, I present with no apologies the scary truth: the possibilities equally as frightening as the likelihood of an Islamist controlled Egypt!
1. Egypt as a Church of Elvis Theocracy
Imagine the streets of Cairo, in a state of the most dreadful pollution. Not the pollution of barely constrained industry and woefully congested traffic; but rather, a Cairo beset by unbearable light pollution:
The pollution of tens of millions of reflective rhinestones and sequins!
The Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Leader standing before his oppressed masses of Suspicious Minds.
Yes, the unemployed and poverty stricken might believe “The King’s” sincerity when he talks about life “in the ghetto.” Little do they know that forces out of their control could be conspiring to bring about an unprecedented marriage between religion, state, and Vegas showmanship. By buying into the sweet sounds of Elvis Presley, the people of Egypt may welcome into their house the vampire that is the Church of Elvis. This insidious organization, reputedly bent on conversion “at the point of the shaking hips,” will stop at nothing to institute its rock ‘n’ rites on an unsuspecting world. You can bet the farm that they are looking for a way to capitalize on the uncertainty in the great Egyptian civilization!
Perhaps some fear Egyptians may soon be forced to dress in traditional modes, galabiyya and hijab. I ask you, though. Would this be any worse than the forced donning of unbuttoned jumpsuits and poodle skirts? It could happen, if the Church of Elvis has its way!
Economic vitality will dry up once the Church of Elvis institutes its most vile restriction on appearance: forced pompadour haircuts! The time it will take for men to maintain these dastardly-dos will surely hamper industrial efficiency.
Foreign policy ramifications? Well! There is little doubt the Egyptian ambassador to the League of Arab States will eventually be reprimanded for responding to his colleague, lip-curling sneer firmly affixed to his chiseled face, with, “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time!”
It is important we do everything we can to avoid this world, “all shook up.” So long as there’s “a little less conversation, and a little more action,” I have high hopes for an Egypt without the specter of fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich vendors and rampant violence against television sets. So, get off the pot (if you can)!
2. “Silly Party” Majority in Egyptian Parliament
Tarquin Fin - tim - lin - bin - whin - bim - lim - bus-stop - F'tang - F'tang - Olé - Biscuitbarrel, on winning election as MP, Luton, Great Britain (1970).
Let’s say Egypt makes it through its interim period of military stewardship, and achieves its first fair elections. Just as Britain learned in 1970, however, democracy is a double-edged sword. According to an incisive 1970 Election Night Special, shown on the BBC, the British “Silly Party” made significant gains in the makeup of British parliament.
It could happen in Egypt.
Imagine Egypt loses great swaths of its territory: Suez to Israel, the Aswan High Dam to Northern Sudan, and Alexandria to The Conch Republic. Why? Because a Silly Party controlled parliament only agrees to a defense budget if soldiers are only trained in the art of fish slapping combat. Would a Silly Party majority really do this? Well, the immanently respectable BBC seems to suggest this, for during the same series featuring the aforementioned “Election Night Special,” we get a glimpse of fish fighters at work.
Worse—and for something completely different and something nobody would ever expect—an Egypt controlled by the Silly Party may very well re-institute The Spanish Inquisition. Obviously, this would cause untold tensions between the government and religious authorities in Egypt, considering the heinous tortures the Spanish Inquisition inflicted on Muslims and Arab/Berber Christians in Andalusia. Although BBC footage suggests the methods of a Silly Party Spanish Inquisition may be less intense than the Inquisition of early modern Spain, it is a slap in the face, nonetheless. (And not with a fish, this time… Well, possibly not… Actually, yes, it will probably be with a fish.)
Finally, and perhaps most troubling of all, will be the inability of most Egyptians to actually understand the Silly Party. Yes, perhaps 10% will actually “get it.” And, sure, another 25% will pretend to love the Silly Party because it is “the thing to do,” often quoting the Party Lines verbatim in an effort to appear more “with it.” However, the ultimate intentions of the Silly Party will “go over the heads” of most Egyptians, who will deem the party, well:
Rather silly, indeed.
3. A Random Number Generator Replaces the Office of the President
Perhaps most frightening of all would be the absolute institutionalization of chaos. There is a possibility Egypt could replace the office of president, so corrupted by the stain of Hosni Mubarak, with a random number generator. All possible numbers would be linked to an entry in a database corresponding to an action to be taken in foreign policy. All ambassadors and generals would be constitutionally bound to follow the dictates of the random number generator.
Random numbers generating random outcomes for Egyptian foreign policy.
Okay, so these so-called “chaos theorists” have sold the world a bill-of-goods about discernible “order in chaos.” Therefore, some might even welcome the emergence of a head of state that is truly random, believing randomness to be preferable to the designs of most of the world’s leaders—especially now that the world has had a thorough brainwashing by these post-modernist pseudo-scientists!
But, no! Can we really see order in Egypt demanding of Morocco 27.843 maroon plastic orations? (Yes, I did write “orations,” because this is most certainly a possibility for an absolutely random generator.) What about selling the Pyramid of Khufu to a bakery in Guatemala in exchange for a size extra-extra large, leopard-print, pre-stretched tube top, but only if the bakery operators ask nicely? Zahi Hawass would flip his wig!
Yes, perhaps Egyptians have been turned off by the concept of presidency, having had to suffer the long reign of Hosni Mubarak. However, they must be ever vigilant, lest they fall into the trap into which so many democratically minded people have fallen before: the drive to replace the head of state with a lottery machine!
Journalism at a New Level of Credibility
Since demonstrations began on that fateful January 25th, worldwide media have put the spotlight on Egypt. Many of the self-proclaimed “responsible” agencies have only provided a surface understanding of the potential problems Egypt may soon face. Fox News has had the courage to show the world the threat the revolution may hold to the world order, primarily in the Muslim Brotherhood and the potential for an Islamic Republic of Egypt. However, not a single agency—Fox News included—has had the respect for the public to show the possibilities we should be equally as worried about as we should be about the possibility of an Islamist Egypt.
I hope my readers appreciate my bold venture into revealing these frightening potentialities! It is only out of my concern for, and duty to all of us that I present these most troubling of possibilities.
“There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
 A logically valid statement is one in which the conclusion follows from the premises. The assumed but unstated primary premises are: 1) “It is not entirely impossible for things to happen that are physically possible”; 2) “Physically possible events can be assigned an approximate event probability”; 3) “Arbitrary categories (e.g., very likely, likely, unlikely) can be assigned to numeric ranges of event probabilities to group events into ranges of relative probability”; 4) “Given the set of all possible outcomes of the 2011 Egyptian Revolution, each outcome can be given a numeric value indicating its approximate event probability”; 5) “The likelihood of an Egyptian Islamic Republic is a possible outcome of the 2011 Egyptian Revolution”; 6) “The event probability of an Egyptian Islamic Republic as the outcome of the 2011 Egyptian Revolution can be grouped into a range that includes other outcomes with event probabilities that fall within the same arbitrary definition of the subset.”
 See premise 6 in note 1.
Update, September, 2012
So, a Muslim Brotherhood affiliated party did get a president elected, and few people in Egypt are happy with Mubarak’s military flunkies still holding great power. But, hey! It’s still not an Islamic Republic of Egypt, by any means. Besides, I was writing in reaction to the at-the-time-unfounded fear mongering going on in February 2011, mostly by idiots like Glenn Beck.
Whatever has happened, and whatever will happen, you must admit that the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin Leader bit was pretty hilarious.